Talking the (black) dog for a walk...

So it seems that my post of yesterday was timely. Nick Clegg's announcement of better services for people with mental illness, and of decent funding to achieve those better services, coincided with my post. I didn't watch any news yesterday, between sick kids, work and other things till late last night.

What amazes me is that 3 other women I've liked and admired for a long time have all posted about their own experiences of depression and post-natal depression. I've not seen any of them for some years, but it is incredible how much people go through and for the most part you never know. I know that in some cases people can be tetchy and mardy, but who isn't some days? A bit of tetchiness is not symptomatic of an underlying deep depression, but it could be.

So I'm talking my black dog for a walk. Joining Caron and Susan and Sara in walking it through the blogosphere. For those who feel that these services are not needed, please just read their accounts of how depression has affected their lives. Depression is not something that is anyone's fault. It can be related to an incident, caused by trauma, or just there. It doesn't mean you're a weak person - indeed often the opposite. So many people don't know I've had depression, because I've got on and done stuff around it, and despite it - often actually the worst thing for me that I could have done. The weak people are those who sneer at it because they've never felt hopeless. Lucky them. But it's amazing how many have if they're honest, but have never dealt with it because it would be perceived as weak.

I know that my experiences have been varied when I've been acutely depressed. I've been at the bottom, not knowing where to go. I've been to the point of no return and felt like I never wanted to wake up again. I've been past crying and I've cried when everyone else is asleep. I've woken up crying not knowing why, and I've had to hide it all from my kids and friends so noone else would know.

Depression is selfish according to some. But actually my depression has been all the more acute since I became a parent because my kids are the most important things in my life, and because I've felt like an out and out failure for not being able to provide everything I could hope for for them.

I've been lucky though. Ultimately I have had people around I love, and usually without knowing it, we've muddled through and got help. My experience of counselling is different to Sara's, Caron's and Susan's. I have had a couple of sessions of counselling after the birth of my fourth child. A very young, stunningly beautiful counsellor asked me about my life. I explained about my husband's serious illness, his retirement from a job he loved, my 4 kids and the fact that at that time, my husband was not earning at all, and I was back at work a couple of weeks after Jo was born. She looked at me a little quizzically and suggested I get someone to help with the housework. I asked her 'with what money'? She asked how I was feeding baby - I said breastfeeding around work, expressing and topping up where I had to. She suggested going to bottle!! A fantastic way to make a new mum feel she's achieving. She then suggested I should take a half hour for 'me time' each day! When exactly? I didn't book another session. Instead I saw my GP every couple of weeks. A mum herself, she got it. She completely understood and just listened, and things did get better.

I've come to the conclusion that my depression has really helped me to value the important things in life. My family, my friends, my community. The everyday triumphs - the next bike ride without stabilisers, the cake that actually does look like a Dalek handcrafted for a 12th birthday, the knowledge that I've done a good job today and have helped someone through my work, the next exam passed for my husband, the tenor horn exam passed with a high merit. I wanted to be a politician and probably still would like my chance. But not yet. My life is too full of everyday triumphs, which may seem paltry to so many. But my black dog is still taking a lot of exercise every day, barking at me every morning to remember what really really matters is not tomorrow, not next month, but today. Is today going to be OK? Is everything done today to the best of my ability? Are the kids all happy and well now? Are we all happy now? Then let tomorrow worry about itself, and just feel whole and happy today. One day, one step at a time. Actually that's all any of us can do

As I wrote that last paragraph I realised that the word I've used to sum up is whole. I think that's it. I feel inadequate when I'm depressed. I feel a failure and I beat myself up constantly in my head thinking about what it and what I should be doing better. My head is too full of negative, dark thoughts and I can't make it stop, but I don't feel whole. But if I focus on today, and what needs to be done, paid, made, achieved today - for me, the kids or others I work with - then it happens and I feel complete. My black dog pulls me back to remembering the here and now. And for that I thank her.

I don't suppose Nick Clegg ever has time for blogs. But thanks Nick, please just monitor it and make sure that the money goes where it should. And to those of you who think high achievers can't achieve highly with depression, you're wrong. Look at those amazing women blogging about it. Look at Churchill. Look at Stephen Fry. And the countless others who you would never know about. And look at me. An achieving woman doing amazing everyday things everyday. Things you'd never know about - running a small business voluntarily, supporting friends through their dark times as practically as possible, volunteering for the party and other organisations, working for a charity and hopefully helping save lives - and most importantly hopefully being a good wife and mother to a large family who are happy, healthy and active in so many different and individuals ways.

Lastly then I'm going to name my black dog. I'm going to call her Sylvia. A recent addition to my circle of friends, Sylvia is a voice of sanity in a world that often lacks. A kindred spirit who has a healthy sense of humour coupled with my sense of cynicism. A conscience and a voice of sense. So both Sylvias, bark away!