Dogs

So I didn't blog at all last year. Not that I didn't have anything to say, if anything I had too much to do, too much to say and no time to do it. Not that I have huge amounts of time now, and sometimes I worry about what I want to say on a blog that anyone can see.

Last year was chaos. New job - total risk, moving from somewhere I loved and somewhere I am passionate about that had given me breathing space and a chance to re-focus. Took the risk - it didn't pay off. I felt very let down by people who were too busy to care about those around them. For the first time in my life I felt I really put my family second, and feel more of a failure for that when the contract ended. Still don't know why, but it's happening to lots of people. Doesn't make it easy, especially when you give so much of yourself to it. I crashed. I was exhausted and told to take a break for a couple of months. Those I'd left 6 months before were those ironically who helped me through those first couple of weeks, which were so bewildering and hard to understand. Them and my parents, who helped us through it.

So not to put too fine a point on it, the black dog returned to my life. My black dog has been an intermittent companion in my life, usually prompted by panic and stress in my case, leaving me feeling inadequate. I think inadequacy is one of the things most mums or indeed parents feel, but actually it is the feeling I find hardest to deal with. The feeling of failing my family, when actually ending up redundant or out of work is so common these days, but for me, with my husband's illness and the kids, it's simply not an option.

Over the summer I watched the various pronouncments about likely budget cuts. I found some of the statements being made so laughable. I watched a programme about cuts featuring two families - one 'on benefits', one 'self-sufficient'. I was at the time getting £65 a week in Job Seekers Allowance. Apparently some families were getting £1500 a week in benefits. How on earth does this happen? Individuals applying for no jobs at for weeks on end, still getting the benefits others needed so badly. I applied for over 80 jobs in the 6 weeks I was job-seeking. Anyway that's history, back in work and back on the line.

But it made me think about priorities. So what if I am no longer the career woman I once was. I have small people who matter far more. When I said that the company car would be going back at the end of the month or 6 weeks time, the kids said so what, you're back and home properly. Worth more than any poxy benefits...

It did make me think about my black dog, and realise that actually once it's joined your life, the black dog might never go. I've always disliked dogs, much more of a cat person, and even the analogy for depression seems set to grate on me. But actually we've got a beautiful dog these days, and I've realised that they are loyal and faithful creatures. So too it appears is my black dog. Never actually going to leave me, but will just wait quietly in the background while things are OK, and then start barking at me when I need to protect myself. Last May it started barking, telling me I was over-working, taking on other people's loads as well, trying to prove myself, and getting no thanks for it. I should have listened to the black dog, not pushed it away, and pretended it didn't exist. Dogs need love and nurture and a bit of time each day, so does my black dog.

So I'm thinking maybe my black dog is a pet I need to learn more about. Not by being up my own backside about it, but by listening to it, when it starts to take hold. When I start to feel inadequate or panicky and like there's no light anywhere (I know it's a cliche, but it's also very true), maybe I need to listen to it and 'walk it'!