Talking the (black) dog for a walk...

So it seems that my post of yesterday was timely. Nick Clegg's announcement of better services for people with mental illness, and of decent funding to achieve those better services, coincided with my post. I didn't watch any news yesterday, between sick kids, work and other things till late last night.

What amazes me is that 3 other women I've liked and admired for a long time have all posted about their own experiences of depression and post-natal depression. I've not seen any of them for some years, but it is incredible how much people go through and for the most part you never know. I know that in some cases people can be tetchy and mardy, but who isn't some days? A bit of tetchiness is not symptomatic of an underlying deep depression, but it could be.

So I'm talking my black dog for a walk. Joining Caron and Susan and Sara in walking it through the blogosphere. For those who feel that these services are not needed, please just read their accounts of how depression has affected their lives. Depression is not something that is anyone's fault. It can be related to an incident, caused by trauma, or just there. It doesn't mean you're a weak person - indeed often the opposite. So many people don't know I've had depression, because I've got on and done stuff around it, and despite it - often actually the worst thing for me that I could have done. The weak people are those who sneer at it because they've never felt hopeless. Lucky them. But it's amazing how many have if they're honest, but have never dealt with it because it would be perceived as weak.

I know that my experiences have been varied when I've been acutely depressed. I've been at the bottom, not knowing where to go. I've been to the point of no return and felt like I never wanted to wake up again. I've been past crying and I've cried when everyone else is asleep. I've woken up crying not knowing why, and I've had to hide it all from my kids and friends so noone else would know.

Depression is selfish according to some. But actually my depression has been all the more acute since I became a parent because my kids are the most important things in my life, and because I've felt like an out and out failure for not being able to provide everything I could hope for for them.

I've been lucky though. Ultimately I have had people around I love, and usually without knowing it, we've muddled through and got help. My experience of counselling is different to Sara's, Caron's and Susan's. I have had a couple of sessions of counselling after the birth of my fourth child. A very young, stunningly beautiful counsellor asked me about my life. I explained about my husband's serious illness, his retirement from a job he loved, my 4 kids and the fact that at that time, my husband was not earning at all, and I was back at work a couple of weeks after Jo was born. She looked at me a little quizzically and suggested I get someone to help with the housework. I asked her 'with what money'? She asked how I was feeding baby - I said breastfeeding around work, expressing and topping up where I had to. She suggested going to bottle!! A fantastic way to make a new mum feel she's achieving. She then suggested I should take a half hour for 'me time' each day! When exactly? I didn't book another session. Instead I saw my GP every couple of weeks. A mum herself, she got it. She completely understood and just listened, and things did get better.

I've come to the conclusion that my depression has really helped me to value the important things in life. My family, my friends, my community. The everyday triumphs - the next bike ride without stabilisers, the cake that actually does look like a Dalek handcrafted for a 12th birthday, the knowledge that I've done a good job today and have helped someone through my work, the next exam passed for my husband, the tenor horn exam passed with a high merit. I wanted to be a politician and probably still would like my chance. But not yet. My life is too full of everyday triumphs, which may seem paltry to so many. But my black dog is still taking a lot of exercise every day, barking at me every morning to remember what really really matters is not tomorrow, not next month, but today. Is today going to be OK? Is everything done today to the best of my ability? Are the kids all happy and well now? Are we all happy now? Then let tomorrow worry about itself, and just feel whole and happy today. One day, one step at a time. Actually that's all any of us can do

As I wrote that last paragraph I realised that the word I've used to sum up is whole. I think that's it. I feel inadequate when I'm depressed. I feel a failure and I beat myself up constantly in my head thinking about what it and what I should be doing better. My head is too full of negative, dark thoughts and I can't make it stop, but I don't feel whole. But if I focus on today, and what needs to be done, paid, made, achieved today - for me, the kids or others I work with - then it happens and I feel complete. My black dog pulls me back to remembering the here and now. And for that I thank her.

I don't suppose Nick Clegg ever has time for blogs. But thanks Nick, please just monitor it and make sure that the money goes where it should. And to those of you who think high achievers can't achieve highly with depression, you're wrong. Look at those amazing women blogging about it. Look at Churchill. Look at Stephen Fry. And the countless others who you would never know about. And look at me. An achieving woman doing amazing everyday things everyday. Things you'd never know about - running a small business voluntarily, supporting friends through their dark times as practically as possible, volunteering for the party and other organisations, working for a charity and hopefully helping save lives - and most importantly hopefully being a good wife and mother to a large family who are happy, healthy and active in so many different and individuals ways.

Lastly then I'm going to name my black dog. I'm going to call her Sylvia. A recent addition to my circle of friends, Sylvia is a voice of sanity in a world that often lacks. A kindred spirit who has a healthy sense of humour coupled with my sense of cynicism. A conscience and a voice of sense. So both Sylvias, bark away!

Dogs

So I didn't blog at all last year. Not that I didn't have anything to say, if anything I had too much to do, too much to say and no time to do it. Not that I have huge amounts of time now, and sometimes I worry about what I want to say on a blog that anyone can see.

Last year was chaos. New job - total risk, moving from somewhere I loved and somewhere I am passionate about that had given me breathing space and a chance to re-focus. Took the risk - it didn't pay off. I felt very let down by people who were too busy to care about those around them. For the first time in my life I felt I really put my family second, and feel more of a failure for that when the contract ended. Still don't know why, but it's happening to lots of people. Doesn't make it easy, especially when you give so much of yourself to it. I crashed. I was exhausted and told to take a break for a couple of months. Those I'd left 6 months before were those ironically who helped me through those first couple of weeks, which were so bewildering and hard to understand. Them and my parents, who helped us through it.

So not to put too fine a point on it, the black dog returned to my life. My black dog has been an intermittent companion in my life, usually prompted by panic and stress in my case, leaving me feeling inadequate. I think inadequacy is one of the things most mums or indeed parents feel, but actually it is the feeling I find hardest to deal with. The feeling of failing my family, when actually ending up redundant or out of work is so common these days, but for me, with my husband's illness and the kids, it's simply not an option.

Over the summer I watched the various pronouncments about likely budget cuts. I found some of the statements being made so laughable. I watched a programme about cuts featuring two families - one 'on benefits', one 'self-sufficient'. I was at the time getting £65 a week in Job Seekers Allowance. Apparently some families were getting £1500 a week in benefits. How on earth does this happen? Individuals applying for no jobs at for weeks on end, still getting the benefits others needed so badly. I applied for over 80 jobs in the 6 weeks I was job-seeking. Anyway that's history, back in work and back on the line.

But it made me think about priorities. So what if I am no longer the career woman I once was. I have small people who matter far more. When I said that the company car would be going back at the end of the month or 6 weeks time, the kids said so what, you're back and home properly. Worth more than any poxy benefits...

It did make me think about my black dog, and realise that actually once it's joined your life, the black dog might never go. I've always disliked dogs, much more of a cat person, and even the analogy for depression seems set to grate on me. But actually we've got a beautiful dog these days, and I've realised that they are loyal and faithful creatures. So too it appears is my black dog. Never actually going to leave me, but will just wait quietly in the background while things are OK, and then start barking at me when I need to protect myself. Last May it started barking, telling me I was over-working, taking on other people's loads as well, trying to prove myself, and getting no thanks for it. I should have listened to the black dog, not pushed it away, and pretended it didn't exist. Dogs need love and nurture and a bit of time each day, so does my black dog.

So I'm thinking maybe my black dog is a pet I need to learn more about. Not by being up my own backside about it, but by listening to it, when it starts to take hold. When I start to feel inadequate or panicky and like there's no light anywhere (I know it's a cliche, but it's also very true), maybe I need to listen to it and 'walk it'!